Bleach'd!
by floofyMiko
Summary: Drabbles, one-shots, and randomness galore! Assorted genres and characters/pairings. -Chapter 2: The Finer Things in Life and Death. It is pondered. UlquiHime-
1. A Man of Action

**Miko's Random Bleachy Bits Dumpsite**

Disclaimer: I disclaim Bleach.

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**1. A Man of Action**

Character(s): Ichigo, Rukia

Pairing(s): IchiRuki

Notes/Warnings/Spoilers: Warning! Stupidness and OOCness ahead! I also disclaim Pokemon.

Genre: Romance/Humor

A/N: My first Bleach rambling...I can't believe it took me this long to write one, given my obsession O.o; Apologies in advance for badfic; I am very, very rusty D:

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Once upon a time, in the land of fair non-fake Karakura town, Ichigo and Rukia were happily spending their free time disregarding Hollow dispatch calls; such trifling matters were, as such, being tended to by a certain minor character, whose identity shall not be disclosed, his name unimportant and hence disposed from memory. Lest we forget, most Hollows of the everyday sort are _relatively_ easy to defeat, formidable only in the series' infancy, as logical progression of plot demands lesser foes be handled before boss-level foes. These were also the happier days when it was clear to all that Ichigo and Rukia were, unarguably, the main characters and focus of Bleach.

"Ichigo," piped Rukia, "let us rejoice in our return to the center of attention by skipping gaily down this lovely forest path."

Ichigo did not want to do skipping of any sort, and made his thoughts known. To his surprise, Rukia promptly acquiesced. "You may, alternatively, purchase for my pleasure a strawberry-flavored lollipop. The awfully big ones that retain their fruity goodness for days on end? Such a wonderfully lick-able treat!"

At this moment, Ichigo's hormone-ridden teenage brain kicked into overdrive and betrayed his hard-earned reputation; his countenance colored deep crimson as an unbidden mental image unveiled itself. It did not help matters that our unfortunate (or fortunate) hero had only yesterday stumbled upon fan-fictions of a certain suggestive caliber. Fan-fictions that he had read in their entirety.

His curious reaction failed to escape the notice of his keen companion. "Ehh?" she questioned, gazing concernedly at his sudden flush, "Are you feeling all right, Ichigo? Your face has adapted an impressive shade of red. Might you be developing sickness?" Rukia, bless her soul, was usually spot-on regarding Ichigo's state of mind and being…yet fell remarkably short of the truth at present.

Ichigo needed to change the topic of discussion. "So I heard you like Mudkips?" he blurted loudly.

"…What?" Rukia met his outburst with a blank stare.

"I mean…"

"Ichigo, what did you say to me? What's going on with you? Something's the matter; you cannot hide anything from me," accused the raven-haired girl.

The object of Rukia's pointed query began to panic, bright strawberry face blending with his obnoxiously hued hair. _Bollocks! How dare you allow such unwholesome thoughts to come to mind, Kurosaki Ichigo! You should be ashamed of yourself!_ Good-Ichi silently reprimanded the other half of his conscience. He gazed beseechingly at the petite shinigami before him, standing sternly with hand on hip, hoping she could read his apologetic look and consequently cease any further inquisition.

Rukia, however, would not be so kind as to spare him an easy way out.

"Speak, Ichigo. I no longer wish to skip gaily through the forest. I wish to understand your problem. Tell me," she demanded.

Ichigo was in, shall we say, quite a pickle. Fortunately, our shounen hero had always been a man of action. It did not take long for a suitable distraction to come to mind.

So he leaned forward and kissed her.

Rukia gave a little muffled yelp of surprise at the sudden contact, instinct telling her that a punch to the face would serve as an appropriate response. Ichigo _was_ ill, however, so she ended up deciding that she would forgive him this time...

...or maybe many times in the future, as well.

And so the pair became happy once again, ignoring the beeping phone alerting them to yet another Hollow nuisance; this was, assuredly, a much better way to pass the time. Furthermore, desires for skipping and forests and could not be farther from Rukia's mind.

Ichigo, on the other hand, continued to entertain thoughts of Rukia and strawberry lollipops.

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-Fin-


	2. The Finer Things in Life and Death

**Miko's Random Bleachy Bits Dumpsite**

Disclaimer: I disclaim Bleach.

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**2. The Finer Things in Life and Death**

Character(s): Ulquiorra, Orihime, Tesla

Pairing(s): UlquiOri

Notes/Warnings/Spoilers: Crack. With a nod over to the noble folk at LJ's capslock_bleach community.

Genre: Romance/Humor...or Crack.

A/N: I have no excuse.

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Ulquiorra and Orihime were tragic lovers. They had decided this.

"Oh noes," they lamented one weather-less day in Hueco Mundo, "our love is tragic and sad and forbidden. Whatever is to be done?"

Ulquiorra, of course, did not say such a thing aloud; he merely stood quietly before his ladylove and expressionlessly observed her silent pondering, for she herself had similarly left the aforementioned statement unsaid. On occasion, her hands would invariably drift towards her chest, as if feeling for the heart she had figuratively given to the fourth Espada. _How curious,_ Orihime thought to herself, _that my heart continues to beat. I wonder how it feels to not have a heart. In fact, I wonder how it feels to have a hole at one's throat. That would make me so very sad, for how would I be able to eat?_ She then realized in whose presence she was sitting and blushed furiously, feeling very badly for Ulquiorra who could not eat.

"My dear captor and love," she announced suddenly, causing the target of her speech to jump at the unexpected outburst, but only on the inside because he was too well composed and well trained in the art of expressionlessness to be jumpy. To be courteous, he raised a single eyebrow as she continued.

"I do believe we find ourselves at once in a tragic situation. No one will accept our relationship. Furthermore, it has occurred to me that you cannot eat, and for that I mourn deeply. Your tragedy is compounded. Tell me, what can I do to help?"

"I have just met you, and I love you," replied Ulquiorra stoically. "However, this remains a double-edged sword, for you know little about me, and I, you. Allow me to assure you that I possess the capacity to eat."

Orihime startled at the news, eyes widening to glittery shoujo proportions. "But how can this be? I implore you, make it known to me so that I may prepare for you the most delightful of dishes, my red bean paste chocolate peanut butter curry."

Ulquiorra, hitherto unaware of his woman's culinary preferences, winced and began to gag at such a description. He casually leaned against the bedchamber wall in an attempt to disguise his momentary lapse of character. "While I am most titillated by such a tantalizing concept, I must decline. We Espada, I regret to inform you, simply cannot digest human food," he explained, carefully rearranging his features so that he appeared expressionlessly remorseful rather than expressionlessly in some semblance of silently tragic love.

"I have the answer, Ulquiorra-kun!" the human girl declared forthwith, throwing her arms out to the whitewashed ceiling for added effect. She smiled winningly. "Why don't you try rabbit food instead?"

"Why don't I show you what we truly eat in Las Noches," Ulquiorra interjected before the matter could deteriorate any further. "Come with me, woman." He took Orihime's hand (or, grabbed her rather forcibly but not unkindly by the wrist; the effect was very much the same) and sonido'ed away before she could speak another word.

They arrived at the humble eatery known as Taco Aizen, greeted by a flickering fluorescent sign and a tired-looking Tesla at the front counter, who snapped to attention at the sight of the fourth Espada and his human companion. "Uke...Ulquiorra-sama!" stuttered the disheveled fraccion, hastely smoothening out his Taco Aizen hat and apron. "Oh, I am sorry! P-please do not tell Nnoitra-sama that I have been negligent at my job! I am-"

Ulquiorra cut him off with a steely yet disinterested glare. "Quiet, trash. That does not concern me. Curiously enough, I am simply here to procure a taco."

Tesla cast a hurried glance at Orihime. "I can offer you the 2-for-1 deal. A special for you and your...friend, Ulquiorra-sama."

"That would be dandy. Hurry up, trash."

"Can I get a side of beans?" exclaimed Orihime, pointing at menu item depicted on the overhead screen.

"These will not be the sweet red beans to which you are so partial," Ulquiorra informed her. "These are refried beans a la Taco Aizen."

"Something new! Even better! I'll take two!"

And so, Ulquiorra and Orihime enjoyed a lovely picnic lunch together, courtesy of Taco Aizen, during which they discussed the finer things in life and death. As it were, their verbal discourse centered around love and food.

It was justly concluded that tragic love and food from Taco Aizen were best.

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-Fin-


End file.
